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Top-10 celebrities who might be bad poker players

3 March 2008

Last week, we covered the top ten celebrities who we thought might make good poker players. This week, we take a look at the top ten celebrities that might be really bad at poker -- complete with video clips illustrating our points. The list features people who don't talk, people who talk too much, and one person who's not really a person. Enjoy.

10. Mr Bean (Rowan Atkinson) You don't have to speak to play poker. That can be done with chips. But you do have control your expressions. And that's where Mr. Bean falls short. His expressive face is sure to hurt him in a game that coined the phrase "poker face."

9. Amy Winehouse Putting Britney Spears in this list would have been piling on, so we went with the British sensation and multiple-Grammy winner instead. Table image will be her big problem because her opponents will already feel like they can read her. Really -- who actually believed her when she sang "I won't go, go, go" to rehab?

8. Regis Philbin The key to Philbin's success as a broadcaster has been that he wears his emotions on his sleeve. Whether its bemoaning Notre Dame's inability to win at football or cheering on a contestant in a game show, you always know where Philbin stands just by looking at him. And that's not a good thing poker.

7. Hillary Clinton Clinton's poker face needs some serious work. During the Democratic presidential candidate debates, she's spent at least part of the night looking like she wants to punch Barack Obama. And at least 50% percent of the table isn't going to believe a word she says, so it's going to be impossible for her to bluff. That combination is a recipe for disaster in poker.

6. Tony Sirico Fans of the Sopranos will instantly recognize Sirico as the actor who plays the emotional Pauly Walnuts, a New Jersey gangster who can't keep his emotions or mouth in check. And while it would be fun to see Pauly Walnuts tear down Mike Matusow at the table, we doubt that he would actually win any money -- unless he beats it out of his opponents.

5. Robin Williams Williams would be a great addition to any poker game, primarily because you'll never stop laughing and the hyperactive (and we're being charitable here) Williams won't look at his cards or the board long to actually be an effective player.

4. Charles Barkley The former NBA superstar and current TNT basketball analyst is welcome at my home game anyday. He loves to gamble. He's not very good at it -- he's lost around $10 million gambling at casinos. He can be talked out of good bets, like when he predicted on the air that the Giants would win the Super Bowl this year (which they did), but bet on the Patriots in Vegas because all the ESPN "guys" said there was no way the Patriots would lose. Combine that with the fact that he's hilarious -- he's famously noted that he doesn't have a gambling problem "because I can afford to gamble" -- and you get the perfect person to have at the table.

3. Jessica Simpson Some think Simpson's ditzy blonde demeanor is just an act. I'm not convinced. Any person who talks smack with Dallas Cowboys fans while wearing a pink football jersey deserves to get their head examined. And that bit about thinking tuna might be chicken is just nutty.

2. Ozzy Osbourne Picture this: Osbourne is in the big blind and gets dealt a five and a two. Thhe bet comes to him after it's been raised and re-raised. He sneaks at peek at his cards and then all hell breaks loose. "I can't believe these ****ing cards. Can you believe this **it. A ****ing five and a ****ing deuce. For ****s sake. How the hell am I supposed to play this ****ing **it. Who the **ck dealt this **it." Priceless.

1. Homer Simpson Sure, he's an animated character. But if you had to draw up the worst poker player ever, it would have to be Home Simpson. Unlucky. Easily distracted -- mmmm.... donuts. And easy to put on tilt -- "Why I ought to... Doh! Doh!" If you're making a first person out of the tourament bet, Homer Simpson is definitely your man.

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Vin Narayanan

Vin Narayanan is the managing editor at Casino City. When he's not writing or editing stories, he likes to play Chinese Poker, Badugi, Razz and any other "non-traditional" poker game. He also thinks blackjack is his best game and loves game theory.

Before joining Casino City, Vin covered (not all at the same time) sports, politics and elections, wars, technology, celebrities and the Census for USATODAY.com, USA WEEKEND and CNN.

A proud graduate of Michigan State University, Vin can be found on most nights and weekends trying to find a way to watch the Spartans play football or basketball.

Vin Narayanan
Vin Narayanan is the managing editor at Casino City. When he's not writing or editing stories, he likes to play Chinese Poker, Badugi, Razz and any other "non-traditional" poker game. He also thinks blackjack is his best game and loves game theory.

Before joining Casino City, Vin covered (not all at the same time) sports, politics and elections, wars, technology, celebrities and the Census for USATODAY.com, USA WEEKEND and CNN.

A proud graduate of Michigan State University, Vin can be found on most nights and weekends trying to find a way to watch the Spartans play football or basketball.